Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
