party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
