Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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