I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
