why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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