So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
