it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
