My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
