hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
