I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
