Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
