you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
