I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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