Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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