Fuck appropriateness.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize