dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
