Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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