my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
