It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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