i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
