i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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