Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize