I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
