the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So many bounce houses so little time
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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