Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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