I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
