i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
