I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
