omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She announced her abortion via fbk
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
