You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
