Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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