party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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