Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
