If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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