There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
