I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
