We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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