When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
