OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize