I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
