I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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