my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
