guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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