I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
