Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
