I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
