I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
