I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
