and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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