I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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