Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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