I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
