how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
