i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
