i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
