im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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