Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
