I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
