were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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